I think what I like more than my compact, rational reviews are the pieces like this... where I just watch a movie and comment on the proceedings in a generally snark-filled manner. The trashier the cinema, the more I enjoy myself when I'm doing it. And believest thou me, The Friday the 13th series is a delicious, campy (ha- see what I did there) treat. Yesterday's flavor was all boobs and blood, but this is more people who act like boobs at "Camp Blood"...but with superpowers thrown in. Just for funsies. My dates with my main-machete-man, my eye-poppin' squeeze, Jason V., are settling into a comfortable rhythm at this point. Is the romance dead? Keep reading and find out.
Bonus: I've had some trouble deciding if I should use the roman numeral conceit in the titles of these films. I hadn't yet, and really, the original movies didn't really start using them until number six, or VI. So, from here on out, I'm going to use the roman numerals. It only applies to this and the next one, but what the hey? Tradition!
31 Flavors of Horror #20:
Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood
Oh, Paramount? Why must you shamefully whore out my sweetie so? At a seventh Friday night date I think it's fair to say we're going steady, but you work him to the bone. He brings you money and you treat him like the red-headed stepchild.Sigh.
Seven opens with a montage and a little narration just to let us know that he's an unstoppable zombie-killer in-the-woods who'll take out anyone who shows up in his path, heavily weighted to clips from Part Six. Ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma, yeah-yeah-yeah big deal. This time he's bringing the Kane Hodder-y goodness and his hussy psychic gal pal along, so it should be a memorable evening.
This is the one that got nicknamed "Jason Vs. Carrie," after all. So first off, we get the establishing shot of Jason still anchored in the lake. He's either drifted or a lot of time has passed because not only has he changed outfits and gotten wrapped up in some vines, but he's now anchored in front of a somewhat rundown house instead of the reformed "Camp Slaughterteens." It's not going to be easy to suspend disbelief here. Telekinesis I'll give you. Unstoppable zombie killers, fine. Put 'em together, I'll go with it. Simple continuity and geography errors... and, oddly, it's a bit of a stretch.
(Spoilers, and general bitchcraft ahead)
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| Rhoda Penmark 2.0 |
So now, poor bastard Daddy is dead and Tina realizes, "gee, that wasn't such a good idea." She then wakes up a teenager, which now puts us in the 2000s timeline-wise. She and Mom are heading out to try and heal their emotional wounds with the help of Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser), even though this also "wasn't such a good idea." Mom and Dr. Crews are ready to meddle in her mental health during this "Weekend At Doctor Bernie's" while the two, frankly, cunty vacationers next door decide they hate pretty little Tina, especially after hunky Nick goes over to make a bad first impression. I bet those two wacky kids'll get together by the end of this flick.
Dr. Crews has only established that Tina needs mental help, and when you piss her off she can make things move with her mind. Being at this house has her a lachrymose basket case. She wanders out on the new pier between the two houses to remember, and winds up calling forth Jason from his anchoring at the bottom of the lake. Much like in the last one, someone does something stupid, frees the Jason-genie, and lots of bad shit happens.
Also, I find it hard to believe that this much lake front property would be undeveloped by now. I don't care if there is a killer in the woods. He can't fight the progress of summer homes.
J-boy seems a bit startled to be woken up, and definitely worse for wear. Pruney hands, nastily yellowed exposed ribs, now he's all reanimated corpse. Bet he'll still turn out to have perfectly fresh, clear eyes. He always does. Before he goes off to "thank" Tina, though, there's a convenient couple with a broken down car he can kill off to get back into his groove. Michael, the birthday boy, and Jane the curly topped girlfriend. Jane gets it first, with Michael right behind her. Some birthday...
Tina's invited to the teen sex romp next door when Nick comes over, obviously sniffing around for her lady parts. He's too pretty for a surly, damaged psychic gal to resist. Tina doesn't last long at the party as she has a psychic flash of Michael getting killed. The next morning, the party crowd have the "That was a crap party" hangover while Nick continues to sniff-around, I mean, "bond" with Tina.
He's so dreamy-looking and understanding that it's no surprise to find out the actor's quite out. For that matter, so is the actor playing Michael the birthday boy and probably a few others. I have heard, anecdotally, that just about all the guys were, but I can't confirm it.
Tina makes Melissa-the-bitch's necklace explode and flings a TV around with her mind from being upset. She doesn't need this immersion therapy. What she needs is lots of Ativan. So does Jason, who's now after more party-goers. Russell and his girlfriend get it when they go skinny-dipping, which is practically de rigeur for these movies. Sadly I don't know her name because these kids are so bland they're just walking bobbleheads and I'm not going to extend myself with learning the names.
The meddling Dr. Crews, meanwhile, wanders out and finds dead ol' Michael stuffed in a tree. He's out, so Tina's mom finally realizes he's messing with her kids head. She's gotta be thick as a plank to just now clue into this. She doesn't fire him on the spot like she should, though he does state he plans to commit Tina while she's in earshot. She bolts with the car and crashes it when having a psychic flash of Jason killing her mother.
These movies are mean to moms. I do NOT approve.
Back at the party, the insecure homely girl gussies herself up in the best "Sandy at the end of Grease" spirit to prove she's sexually viable to some boy she wouldn't give the time of day to if she wasn't a teenager. Dead boy Russell falls out of a tree at her feet, so her scream calls over Jason. Seemingly two seconds later she's hiding from him in a tool shed. (Weirdly at one point she picks up her shoes twice, which shows how sloppily these movies were made). Dressed like a hooker, she gets the hook.
Jason then goes after the 3 pairs of humping hetero hornballs making the most of their vacations. Our token black teens are in the van. Ben gets his head crushed and ... I-think-her-name-is-Kate winds up with a funnel through the eye.
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| On Thursday the 12th, someone went to Home Depot... |
Indoors, Maddie-the-Bitch is rejecting some boy while two stoner kids (who I barely even remember actually being in this movie) bone in the other bedroom. Jason yanks the power. He's getting good at that, perhaps he picked it up when he acquired the habit of stuffing bodies into trees?
Anywho, hungry-man spends to long with the fridge door open, so our eco-friendly killer - he is, after all, essentially walking compost at this point - stabs him. Rejected boy gets an uninspired chop to the neck and stoner gal, after gamely flashing her breasts a few times, wanders around to find some pot and a spring-loaded cat trapped in a closet. She gets to see a chopped-off head before Jason chucks her out a window.
Tina, back home figures out she's brought back Jason and has a minor meltdown that makes use of a cheesily-rigged set. There'd better be more than jumpy pictures and books in the big face-off. They then head off to the woods to look for Mama Bear. She and Dr. Crews took the Volvo wagon out looking for Tina. They argue to kill screen time until Jason is ready for them. Tina's mom get's it when sad, sleazy Dr. Crews uses her as a human shield. (Sidenote: While he loves Volvos, I highly doubt I'd subject Significant Other to this crap...)
In this go round, at least, they keep the "find all the bodies" bit to a minimum. Nick finds one and sensibly runs outta the murder chalet and back to Tina's pad and runs into Maddie-the-Bitch. Tina is out in the woods and runs into Dr. Dud. She notices he's covered in blood and, since he dissembles about what her mom's doing, when he finally fesses up that "She's gone," Tina gets a tad pissed. Doctor Wimpy runs until Jason finds him and, now wielding a gas-powered trimmer (well, more a buzzsaw-on-a-stick), makes chase.
You can guess how it ends for him.
Now, with 15 minutes of movie left, Tina finds her mom. I'm assuming this is the scene cut from Part 4 for Trish, but after a quick check in to assure that "Yup, Mom's dead" Tina's ready to roll. She finds the bodies of the party kids all strung up in the trees. I guess Jason hasn't had time to put her Mom up in one yet. This establishes she's good and revved up for the finale.
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| You won't like her when she's pouty. |
Superpower Showcase Showdown Time!
They meet face-to-face and Tina starts by wrapping him up in vines that knock him into a pond, then she uses her telekinesis to pull down a power line and zap his carcass. This keeps him down for maybe thirty seconds. I don't even think Professor X could train her ass to be of much use. He chases her indoors where she can slam doors in his face, fling a chair and a head-in-a-potted plant at him, then drop a porch on him. She's getting stronger, at least...
Melissa-the-Bitch takes a moment to walk right into Jason's ax, leaving us down to the valiant Nick and Tina, who he's trying to protect even though she's the only one capable of doing anything. They actually start getting pretty inventive with her powers. She chucks Jason through a staircase when he starts threatening Nick-the-gay-boyfriend, tightens his mask until it breaks, and drops his ass into the basement.
Jason really isn't looking very healthy at this point: pretty fleshy and moldy, with teeth seriously in need of a dentist. In the basement she flings nails at him, hoses him down in gasoline, and sets him on fire. It's admirable how she puts up quite a fight while never once mussing her mom jeans.
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| Moisturize, darling! Moisturize! |
And that's pretty much it. A serviceable Friday night date that actually got good towards the end but then just kinda petered out at the end. You might say only one of us finished satisfactorily tonight.
There'll be an eight date, but I'm starting to question if I'm getting anything out of this going steady with Jason. Sure, we click. We've had some good times, Hell, I've even met his mom, but he doesn't quite get me there, if ya know what I mean.
(Yup, beyond carried away. Officially slap-happy.)
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