Jay's Movie of the Week #14: Ernie Kovacs: The ABC Specials

This week, it's not a movie, but rather a series of long-lost television specials that should by all rights be classic. Originally reviewed for DVDsnapshot, it's a real pleasure to share these with you.

Official Synopsis:

Before his untimely death at the age of 42, television pioneer Ernie Kovacs left us with a sublime body of comedy work whose influence can be seen on everything from Monty Python to SNL and David Letterman. He made eight TV specials for ABC in 1961, the final year of his life, and these show Kovacs at the peak of his creative experimentation with the medium, featuring many of his comic masterpieces and iconic set pieces. Five of these programs are presented here in complete uncut form, along with many of his celebrated – and delightfully offbeat – commercials for Dutch Masters cigars.

Our Take:

Many people currently only know of Ernie Kovacs by footnote and annotation, but this collection of 50 year old TV specials will change that perception for you, and you may never look at classic television the same way again.

A combination of (frequently silent) slapstick vignettes and visual poetry set to music, these shot-on-video specials surprise with witty, quick jokes that rely on physical humor and absurd setups There is also occasional imagery that may well have inspired David Lynch (a roasted chicken dancing in kinescope or the series of faces during “The Story of Water,” anyone?)

One A Week Reviews #4: Horrible Bosses

The crude comedy Horrible Bosses succeeds on two levels. On one, it's a showpiece for likeable film actors with comedy chops to shine. But on another level, it succeeds as a wish-fulfillment outlet for so many people who're laid off, fired, or feeling trapped in their jobs by this crappy market and horrible economy. As a kind of wish-fulfillment, this triumvirate take on "Strangers on a Train" satisfies. Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudekis play office drones manipulated by bosses who have them by their proverbial short hairs. Feeling out of options, they eventually strike a plan to knock off each others' bosses in a round-robin of "have mercy" killing.

Bateman's Nick works for Spacey, a paranoid, selfish, power mad manager who delights in reminding everyone whose in charge. Kurt (Sudekis) loses his great boss to a heart attack, winding up under the thumb of Farrell as the useless, coke-head heir apparent. Dale (Day) is stuck suffering the (equal parts objectionable and far fetched) harassment at the hands of the sexually aggressive Dr. Julia (Aniston). They're all miserable, pretty much trapped, and decide that their situations are no longer tenable. Botched murder-planning and a running gag about being on the sex offender list are part of this bad-taste comedy's aspirations to be black comedy gold. It's more a silver, but a good time as complications ensue. Things wrap a bit pat.

Out of Touch With Oscar

While I love writing about movies, I generally restrict it to those I can screen at home. I also tend to prefer the lower profile ones. Every year, the Oscar Nominations come out and, even as they increase the number of titles nominated, I find I've been moved to see fewer and fewer titles. Generally the show is lousy, bloated, and self-congratulatory, though I'm the first to defend that this is part (nay, most) of it's fun. I prefer to skim Twitter that Sunday night for real-time, #Oscars-hashtag-baiting snark and look at the outfits and list of winners the next day. Excellent time management, and I don't stay up 'til after Midnight to see which people I will probably never, ever meet won what.

While I knew I was this out of touch, I was surprised to see that out of this year's list of nominees, I’d only seen ONE of the movies on it.

No sweeping art films about War, or childhood, or family dynamics. Nah, just the one with poop and pee jokes... and I loved it.

 

I guess it gets all my votes.

One A Week Reviews #3: Valkyrie

Sometimes, a boy who loves cheap little B-movies of ill-repute and varying quality must curl up with a big-budget stab at "Historical Epic." To class up the joint, ya know...

At least I picked one with Nazis in it.

Valkyrie is based on a real-life WWII conspiracy by a group of high-placed Nazis lead by one Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg to overthrow Adolph Hitler and take over the Third Reich. Bryan Singer followed up the brilliant X2 and the wildly uneven Superman Returns with this lavish, well-paced period piece that builds real tension out of events that we know going in didn't succeed. The co-conspirators attempted a handsomely-filmed coup to rescue Germany from Hitler's extremism with subtle special effects. (It only takes 70-plus years for film to play Nazis as individuals with conflicted consciences, and even then you're not that empathetic because, um... Nazis). A plan put in action at around the film's midpoint actually had me engaged to the point where I wondered if it would succeed. That's the sign of a well made thriller. The "Operation Valkyrie" section of the film is a fascinating race against the clock, while you wait for the other shoe to drop the entire time.

Tom Cruise plays the lead and, since no one is putting on garish German accents here, the other Nazis are pretty much all English actors. It is a movie truism that all bad guys have British accents, right? Kenneth Branagh and Bill Nighy counterpoint each other, the first now-doughy and the other resembling a sternly greased skull. Eddie Izzard and Tom Wilkinson, both barely recognizable when first seen, round out the conspiracy. Carice van Houten, so exciting in Paul Verhoeven's Black Book again enters the WWII film-fray as von Stauffenberg's wife. Sadly, she was only been given a series of meaningful looks to play in lieu of a actual, developed character and fades out early on. (Seriously, check out Black Book. It's awesome.)

(Now we talk about the big Movie Star, after the break...)

The 2012 Project: Where Does One Find The Time? (And If You Know, Call Me!)

There's a "Forest for the trees" message here somewhere...

To sum it up: "This week, I'm a movie reviewer who doesn't have time to watch a movie." I know this because my "One A Week Review" this week is going to be a day late and "One From The Vaults" (a backlog I was hoping to not have to tap into for a couple months yet...)

My 2012 Project got put on hold this week. I'm not proud of that. This attempt at taking the long view of my "New Years Resolutions" was supposed to ensure that "Slow and Steady" would "win the race." It isn't supposed to result in "um, this is just going to have to be done on Tuesday." It's now 10 PM on a Friday night and I'd love to unwind a bit. But I can't... instead, I'm straightening my head out with writing to explain how I made bold requests to be held publicly accountable for organizing and eating better lead to a week of silence.

Long story short, it got stuck this week and I'll be returning to documenting that first office project on Monday.

Long story long, I had some ups and downs this week: a couple great meetings - all with people whose company I genuinely enjoyed, some big disappointments, buggy software, and a jam-packed go-go-go set of errands and tasks to conquer. So busy in fact that I thought I was having a hallucination when I encountered this cross-walk light in Mt. Lookout that had been blocked by a pole, rendering it utterly useless. There's a "forest for the trees" message here somewhere, or at least a thuddingly good metaphor for the things that block our path in life. Excepting one evening in with my sweetie, I really have had no other downtime. Every other night this week has meant turning in late after working on this thing or that until 1AM or later.

I have work I want to do and work I need to do.While I'm not sharing details yet, I have several projects "simmering on the stove," and they're starting to come together. I have a real passion for the goals I have now. I've made promises to try and help friends accomplish goals as well, and I also want that to mean something. Each of these various goals, however, are making me work for it. (This is where, on Twitter, I'd plug in an emoticon. It's sad to realize that those will soon be acceptable in text to a large segment of the populace. Not my segment, but a segment.)  It's a lot of work,  but very positive. I'm also looking at a couple upcoming delivery deadlines.

Tomorrow night, after work, I'm going out with my sweetie to the Symphony. We got some free tickets as a Klout promotion, making for a classy (and affordable) evening of culture. The timing's also perfection as Sunday we mark an 18 month anniversary. (I've been busy enough that such a milestone nearly went by without my noticing. Catching it, I know I can still see the big picture.)

This is why, tonight, a half hour after I started writing this, I'm about to turn back to barreling through work. I'm mentally recharged now, and I thank you for taking the break with me. I'll keep going until midnight, or later, to serve my projects and goals. It's important I find the time and energy to accomplish that, because tomorrow night I want to be fully present. Isn't enjoying our time spent with loved ones what makes all this work worthwhile?

One A Week Reviews #49: The Perfect Host

To tell too much about the plot of The Perfect Host is to spoil it. The basic setup is that thief-on-the-run John gets much more than he bargained for hiding out at Warwick Wilson's lovely LA home. He starts pulling a con but winds up the guest of honor. Between conga lines, cocktails, and even chess it winds up being a very unusual evening.

A showcase for David Hyde Pierce, he's roundly excellent as Warwick, and the star attraction here. That WASP-y, patrician poise he's famous for balances with suspense, surprise, and moments of violence. He's also clearly having a great deal of fun as his character constantly turns on a dime, going from one extreme to another. The goodwill he won over a decade as "Niles Crane" isn't at all the baggage one might expect, though Warwick at first seems quite similar. This, however, makes his character's personality changes throughout the story seem like a case of "trying too hard to butch up."


(Stay for the party: Read on!)

One A Week Reviews #46: Brand New Day

Sometimes it's nice to watch a movie with a happy songs, happy people, and happy endings. Reviewing this for DVD Snapshot was a pleasure, and I can't help but imagine this catching on with any kid who watches Grease or High School Musical.

 

 Brand New Day

Official Synopsis:

Oscar-Winner Geoffrey Rush “is awesome” (Ain't It Cool News) as a hilariously devout minister chasing a runaway seminary student named Willie across the land down under. As Willie tries to make it back to the girl of his dreams, he embarks on a glorious, uproarious road trip filled with music, magic, and foot-stomping fun. Based on a beloved Australian musical, Brand New Day is “one of the most delightful, heartfelt and crowd-pleasing musical comedies in years” (NYC Movie Guru).

Our Take:

Under it's original title Bran Nue Dae, this was one of the most successful Australian films ever, and it's easy to see why. Brand New Day is a light, colorful and crowd-pleasing musical that somehow brings the lives of 1969 Aboriginal, rural, and hippie Australians (all of whom I admittedly know nothing about) right into your living room.

“Boy Meets Girl” is the oldest story in the world, and it's only the details that differentiate the telling. In this case, it starts in fragments. Willie loves Rosie, but he's in seminary while she's falling from the choir to the honky-tonk (...and there is no way good girls sang about condoms in 1969). Willie runs away to find his drunkard Uncle Tadpole, meet some Aussie hippies and return to his Rosie, with glowering Father Benedictus chasing him like a cartoon villain.

It's a tasty October with 31 Flavors of Horror

Are you ready for October? Those of us who love our scary movies are, and here at Big Lug Land we are no different. As many general film review sites, and horror specific ones, I'm ramping up and getting ready to bring you horror reviews for every single day of October. 31 flavors for 31 days, and it's going to be a real treat. I took a crack at doing this two years ago and loved my "31 Horror Movie October," but 2010 wasn't as accommodating. This year I am ready to hit the ground running, up to my eyeballs in scary movies!

I've been chipping away at the whole Friday the 13th series for you, and slogged through the Resident Evil series, suffering through every big, blown-up beastie and flash of Milla Jovovich's naughty bits.

I can't wait to share with you all the goodies I've got in store. I can't promise they'll all be as... drippy as my ice cream icon for the month, but hopefully you'll find them as tasty!

Watch this space because the fun starts this Saturday!

One A Week Reviews #38: UFOs Do Not Exist! The Grand Deception and Cover Up of the UFO Phenomenon

Reviewed for Exploitation Retrospect - this is such a no-go I'm mostly just posting my review to amuse and warn you off watching this claptrap...

Here's what I've always thought about conspiracy theories: If you really were on the path of hushed-up secret knowledge the powerful don't want you revealing, chances are good they would have shut your fat ass up long ago.

That said, for whatever reason, images of these big gray, blank-eyed aliens and the thought they might actually exist gives me no end of the heebie-jeebies...

This is not really a movie or a documentary. Bill Knell is some sort of paranormal researcher who's created a slide show assembled of third-hand stories, historical anecdotes, and huge leaps of logic. The tinny audio requires paying close attention, and he doesn't even edit his verbal stumblings.

For starters, the running time is actually 2 hours, not the 250 minutes claimed on the packaging. Why misrepresent it? If you can't even be honest about something as simple as that how can you be seen as credible about anything else? Blurry video, scanned photos, and paranoia do not a case make. He runs through his “credits,” but claiming appearances on public access shows and A Current Affair are kinda... well, cheesy. “I'm a guy who loves true stories of the paranormal.” (Sure, you are, sweetie. Sure you are....) If he were a younger man I wouldn't hesitate to assume he pieced this together in his mother's basement. However, I'd expect a younger man to be more technically adept. The awful pictures are oddly hypnotic. Sometimes you can't tell if it's an alien or just another grumpy old man in them, so bad is the image quality.

One A Week Reviews #37: The Walking Dead Girls!

If you're a fan of Horror cons you're gonna like this one. If you like cute girls who have tattoos, it'll also be up your alley. This review for dvdsnapshot covers a film with a lotta flaws... and a lotta zimbies!

THE WALKING DEAD GIRLS!

Official Synopsis:

The Walking Dead Girls is a behind-the-scenes look into zombie culture in the United States and the obsession into "Sexy Female Zombies." What is it about Zombie Bimbos or "Zimbies" that are starting to gain the worlds (sic) interest? Why are zombies now in mainstream culture and seen in advertising from JCPenny and Sears? With interviews with zombie master maker George Romero and cult movie star Bruce Campbell from ZomBcon 2010 and so much more. Also with a rare look into the making of a Zombie Pinup Calendar, behind the scenes of "Stripperland." "The Walking Dead Girls" is a sexy look into the zombie phenomenon created by George Romero that is 40 years in the making.

Our Take:
 
Calling this a "documentary" may be a tad generous, but any movie that opens with Lloyd Kaufman doing a PSA to warn the world of Stripper Zombies can't be all that bad.  However, the sparkling sit-down interview with "Uncle Lloyd" is the high water mark of The Walking Dead Girls. This is a weird mishmash of interviews with zombie genre vets and tattooed cheesecake models posing for a zombie-themed calendar.

The recent glut of zombie movies and books have lead to proms, walks, and societies dedicated to planning a response for the evidently yearned-for zombie apocalypse. That's touched on here as some kind of connective tissue to string together the interviews. Kaufman, George Romero and a surprisingly restrained Linnea Quigley hold court for sit-down conversations, most with the quite game Luna Moon, while other actors are restricted to the convention floor. These are interspersed among conversations with the models of a hybrid Fifties cheesecake-zombie calendar. A lovely bunch of actresses and exotic dancers, hold forth charmingly while painted to look like rotting zombies. One, an adult film performer named Lilith Eve, is the most personable and charming of all the interviewees.  Her charm keeps the surprisingly sour Bruce Campbell - here playing Devil's Advocate in an uncomfortable conversation that'll remind you of the William Shatner "get a life" sketch from Saturday Night Live.

One A Week Reviews #36: It! (1967)

Time for another fun and thorough look at a B-movie, this time one where Roddy McDowell brings some camp...

It's appropriate that It! shares a disc with The Shuttered Room, as it stars with an attic a-fire just like the other film ends with one. We meet assistant museum curator and all around nebbish Arthur Pimm (McDowell) and curator Grove as they find out one of their museum's storehouses has just burned to the ground. Prissy Pimm is acting a little put upon and possibly guilty, but they meet some law types, including a young, future B-movie stalwart Ian McCulloch, at the rubble and try to figure out if anything is salvageable. All that has survived is a somewhat ominous looking statue that Pimm doesn't like at all. Grove tries to read the inscription on it, then somehow winds up dead as soon as Pimm turns his back. The question raised isn't so much "Did the statue do it" as "how'd he do it?" Especially as the arms are in a different position. Being that we then get the title "IT!" shown next to him I think it's a big 10-4.

Pimm heads home to hang out with his Mother, who he brings home "borrowed" jewels for her to wear. We quickly find out that Mother Pimm is a Mother Bates, dessicated and in a rocking chair. Less than 10 minutes in and things are completely whackadoo. Here's where you'll distinctly start thinking "This might just be a good flick."

Pimm was hoping to be named as replacement curator, but instead gets a raise and a new boss. He also finds that our Golem is now transported to the museum.The arms have moved yet again, but one could assume that Pimm, being loco, is imagining all of this. There's some dramatic lightning - this is all getting very Hammer Horror - and then the dishy electrician shows up. Either Pimm or McDowell is gazing at him longingly, and it's a shame when he's almost immediately crushed under the statue. Well, that's what tall, blonde, and dumb gets for blowing smoke in its face. Crazy pants even puts Mummy's necklace away before our cops are called in again. Two deaths in less than 24 hours would seem to make Mr. Pimm suspect number one. Everything is getting delightfully goofy in this flick. While we know he's secretly nuts, he behaves in a manner where everyone is going to conclude he is, even stating outright the unseen can be more real than the seen.

The papers already are having a field day while Pimm is using daddy's death as an opportunity to get close to Ellen (Jill Haworth), Grove's daughter. She's not really into him, thinking he's a bit of a mama's boy (not to mention clearly a repressed homosexual), but she's gonna humor him. That's not gonna end well.

One A Week Reviews #35: The Shuttered Room

This week I'm taking a thorough look at a B-movie on a very fun double feature disc, The Shuttered Room. The title sequence is surprisingly absorbing: A layered shot of lovely Carol Lynley just staring out a windshield, the reflected trees running past between us and her still face, with sputtering jazz propelling us along. Occasionally it splits into layers, making for a jittery effect. A splintered personality excellently depicted. Susannah and her new, older husband Mike (Gig Young) are returning to the old mill. a childhood home that haunts her. Being that this home is on Dunwich Island, a clear tip-off to anyone with even a passing acquaintance with Lovecraft. The story "The Shuttered Room" was evidently a "posthumous collaboration" between HP Lovecraft and August Derleth.

In other words, it's Lovecraft tropes adopted in a bit of a bait'n'switch.

Upon arrival to Dunwich Island they're nearly immediately accosted by Oliver Reed and his band of merry idiots, overacting some juvenile irresponsibility. His characterization is all acting drunk and wearing tight pants. He must've been a wearisome man to have to put up with if he was anything like the role here. He's all about making faces and threatening rape. This bunch of inbred island-folk don't exactly roll out the welcome mat for long-lost daughter Susannah. Uncle Zubulon does his best to shoo 'em off, showing off a maimed compatriot. We already know there's something in a pitiful cabin locked behind a red and fancy door. As the isle seems populated solely with man-children and utter douchebags, whatever is behind there already seems more appealing than they are.

Anyhow, no one's very interested in Susannah claiming her property, not Ethan (Reed) nor Aunt Agatha (Dame Flora Robson). Old, patronizing, paternal hubby only seems to have one personality trait, "bemused," when dealing with young, fresh Lynley. He doesn't seem flexible enough to put up with the cobwebbed, dusty rattrap she's inherited. They're immediately dragged out by "Rapey Reed" to go see Aunt Agatha in her even less appealing watchtower home. She tells 'em that Susannah was sent away so as not to be affected by the Whatley curse. I assume it means she was sent away so as not to turn into a magnificent jackass. Aunt Aggie proves her jerkiness by going out of her way to tell Susannah how horribly her parents died.

For all this running around, they've had a pretty full day. Seems like the only sensible thing to do is unpack and stay in the big, nasty, ramshackle old mill that everyone has told them to get away from as soon as possible. Even more, it's already been proven that the island is populated exclusively with assholes. Anyone smart would head back to the mainland and sanity. Instead, Mike takes off and Susannah wanders around, taking a trip down a very cruddy memory lane. We know she shouldn't be there alone, and everyone in the movie knows she shouldn't be there alone, but Mike and Susannah? Dipshits.

One A Week Reviews #34: The Pyjama Girl Case

Washed-up - and usually alcoholic - American movie stars who couldn't get work in the Seventies were probably beyond grateful for the European film industry.They were still marketable enough with their faded marquee glory to get jobs, and since all the audio was dubbed, more than one soused performance was probably saved. In The Pyjama Girl Case, Ray Milland and Mel Ferrer headline here, and Milland especially looks like he's a couple sheets to the wind in every scene.



The Pyjama Girl Case - based on a sensational Australian murder case from the 1930's - starts when a breezy, lazy day on a Sydney Beach is soured by the discovery of a dead woman. Her face has been burned beyond recognizing, and all the police have to go on are the yellow jammies she was wearing. Ray Milland plays the Inspector, doggedly working to solve the murder, even though it means visiting now-quaint video arcades and stopping peeping toms. The decision is made to display her nude body and destroyed face for a leering, morbid parade of spectators in the hopes someone will recognize her - the film's signature image.

While this is all going on, we also get to know Linda (Dalila Di Lazzaro) as she juggles several relationships in her very complicated love life, starting with Ferrer's character. Will she be the next victim?

(...and thar be possible spoilers ahead!)

One A Week Reviews #33: Bereavement

Call it "The best looking POS I've ever seen" or "Terrence Malick's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Bereavement was an ill-starred review for DVDsnapshot. Blocked by a buggy computer, a buggy blu-ray disc, a death in the family, and other technical difficulties, I hope the review was judged to be worth the weight.

Bereavement

Official Synopsis:

In 1989, a 6-year-old boy is lured into the vehicle of a stranger. The stranger is a serial killer with a tendency for butchering teenage girls. In the basement of a rural Pennsylvania slaughterhouse, he will teach the boy everything he knows. Five years later, teen Allison (Alexandra Daddario of Hall Pass and Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief) comes to live with her uncle (Michael Biehn of The Terminator) following her parents' death. In time she will discover the boy and his madman mentor and they will all be plunged into an unimaginable evil from which there may be no escape. Nolan Gerard Funk (Deadgirl), Brett Rickaby (The Crazies), Valentina de Angelis (“Gossip Girl”) and John Savage (The Deer Hunter) co-star in this graphic and acclaimed shocker from writer/director Stevan Mena about family, torment, and the nightmare absolution that is Bereavement.

Our Take:

There's an advantage in watching a “prequel” when you haven't seen the movie that inspired it. There may be things staged that retroactively pay off in that film that you miss, but you get to judge it on it's own strengths. However, what do you say about a film that's the story of a six year old being molded into a serial killer?

Well, for starters, Bereavement is coldly gorgeous. Beautifully filmed, with shots chillingly composed, it oozes ominousness from beginning to end. That beginning follows a character following children around in a truck, and eventually snatching one to keep for his own and raise to be a killer. He picks Martin, who can't feel pain, and quickly stops empathizing with others.

Talk about training up a child...

One A Week Reviews #32: Norwegian Ninja

A fun flick reviewed for DVD Snapshot. Weirdly spoofy and retro, like a kind of Nordic Black Dynamite.

Official Synopsis:

A fictionalized account of the most notorious political scandal in Norwegian history, Norwegian Ninja is a deliciously tongue-in-cheek spoof of the Cold War spy movie, with added ninja action. Because, as everyone knows, every story can be made better with ninjas. Blending historical events with his own less-than-historical elements, writer-director Thomas Cappelen Mailing creates the Rushmore of ninja films, a film that wryly questions just how truthful the truth really is. And then sends a ninja to punch the truth in the face.

Our Take:

According to Wikipedia, Arne Treholt was a Norwegian politician and diplomat convicted of treason as a Soviet and Iraqi in “the most serious spy case in the modern history of Norway.” However, the revisionist satire Norwegian Ninja chooses to add another dimension – that he was also a member of the Ninja Force of the King of Norway.

Reclaimed as leader of a crack squad of “Ninjas” who seem more like a Nordic “A-Team,”I suppose this is a bit like an American recasting Alger Hiss as James Bond? If the film's political and satirical dimensions escape you (as they did with this viewer), one can still enjoy the sense of humor, witty eye of eighties detail, and some surprisingly effective CGI as these “GI Svens”of the “Ninjatroppen” defend the Norwegian way of life. The look, however, is frequently more seventies than eighties, but the verve of this film gives it a delightful uniqueness. One set-piece especially, involving an oil-rig, is so creative that any limitations of the computer effects are quickly forgiven.

One A Week Reviews #31: Breath

A beautiful Korean surprise reviewed for DVDsnapshot.com - and highly recommended.

A prisoner on death row and a woman who's drawn to his plight go through their own spring, summer, fall and winter of love in Breath, a typically quirky chamber drama by helmer Kim Ki-duk.

Nominated for the Golden Palm at Cannes, this emotional tour-de-force from the world-renowned Korean auteur will sweep you away with restrained passions painted in seasonal colours. Asian star Chen Chang (Red Cliff; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) leads an excellent cast that includes a Jung-Woo (The Chaser) and Park Ji-a (The Coast Guard).

Our Take:

It's easy to understand why Breath was nominated for the Palm d'Or at Cannes. Scenes in films are composed to direct the eye where the filmmaker wishes the viewer to look. Kim Ki-duk seems to thrive in oblique composition and scenes that almost engage in misdirection. The subject is frequently happening right outside the frame, off-center, or even the blurry foreground. With a spareness of both visuals and dialogue, this plain quiet movie adds up to be surprisingly rich.

Yeon is a frustrated wife and sculptor who's just discovered her husband is having an affair, and decides on a whim to visit Jang-jin. He's a death row inmate who'd tried to kill himself to avoid his pending execution. Breath is the kind of film that can make a character's affair perfectly clear from the beginning even if not actually confirmed until the half-way point (and that is not a spoiler).

One A Week Reviews: An Update

So, I've been off-line a lot lately...

At the beginning of the year I set a simple goal for myself with this blog - to try and knock out one movie review a week. I love writing them, and a few dear souls (you know who you are) are kind enough to enjoy perusing them. Sure, some are re-purposed work from DVD Snapshot and Exploitation Retrospect, but it's still my writing, and it's fun for me. I also set a goal that I'd do 31 Horror reviews for October, which I did a couple years ago and enjoyed immensely.

These were small goals, but I felt they were manageable. Well, the best laid plans of mice and blogs...

I've been a busy boy, with a busy summer and a career change. I moved into social media, which has been demanding and rewarding, but very time consuming. A modicum of free time, and creativity turned primarily in the service of clients, lead to Big Lug Land falling a bit by the wayside. By a tardy Week #30, I'd stalled out completely.

I'll be catching up this week, to bring myself back up to this weekend, which will be #38. As I've been banking some reviews for October over the year, I also plan to engage in the daily October reviews. Many sites do this, and I say the more the merrier! It was fun for me last time I did it, and I regret not joining in last year.

So, Big Lug Land is getting back on schedule, and I'll also be returning to my original purpose for the blog. Opinion and personal pieces along with the reviews I have so much fun writing.

Thank you to everyone who's stuck with me through the many ups and downs lately, especially my Chris, my "Halloween People," and my Twitter peeps. I'm back, and I look forward to properly engaging with all of you again!

One A Week Reviews #17: Leviathan

Leviathan: The other underwater movie from 1989 knocking off The Abyss that isn't DeepStar Six. Since I took a look at that one recently, I thought "why not see how the other half lives?"

As we suffered bravely and beautifully thru DeepStar, let's now take a look at MGM's crack at beating The Abyss to the punch. Let's start right with the opening. An MGM and De Laurentis Family presentation of a George P Cosmatos film with Peter Weller, Hector Elizondo, Lisa Eilbacher, Richard Crenna, Amanda Pays, Daniel Stern, Ernie Hudson, Meg Foster and some guy you've never heard of named Michael Carmine. Stan Winston effects. Jerry Goldsmith score. This is clearly the "middle" picture, budget-wise. The Abyss got the very luxe treatment and DeepStar Six was essentially the "Corman" crack at things. (Nowadays, that one would be from The Asylum and a year ahead of what it's knocking off.)

An aside about Michael Carmine: if he hadn't passed away at age thirty of heart failure, it's a good assumption you would be familiar with him. He's the only actor here who didn't have "name recognition," yet, but having appeared in Band of the Hand, Longtime Companion, and *batteries not included before his death. I get the impression he'd have enjoyed continued success.

16,000 feet down in the Atlantic, the crew of the Nostromo... sorry, I mean the Tri Oceanic Mining Corporation are digging up silver and other metals. There's a lot of "dry for wet" photography in this movie, where smoke, blue lighting and fluff in the air stand in for water. But there's no worries for this crew as they get to return to the surface in three days... or they did until they tempted the movie fates by stating that out loud. They also establish their white collar, sci-fi post-Alien bona fides sitting around the dinner table for colorful character interaction. Daniel Stern is the boor, Hector Elizondo the grown up, and Pays and Eilbacher split the sexy scientist spot.

Richard Crenna's doctor at least goes for "slick" over "grizzled." The always colorless Peter Weller plays the man in charge, who reports to topside boss Meg Foster. Her cool blues and cooler style are wasted in a part confined mostly to TV screens. Meanwhile,Weller has a lot of shots where he's speaking while looking directly into the camera. It's a tad disorienting and I think the film would have been much better had these two had swapped roles.

They putter around and squabble, filling time before we get to the good stuff. Between the clashing personalities and state of their facilities (so overplayed it may as well be "the gun in the first act"), by 20 minutes in we are CLAMORING for a monster. Anyhow, on what is their last day of drilling (equivalent to "I'm two weeks from retirement." in cop movies), Stern's character winds up falling off a ledge and down into a field of tubeworms (they're the most amusing effect here). When Pays goes to find him, they wind up discovering a sunken Russian vessel named "Leviathan." They find out that the crew must have died, but they did have some vodka on board.

Not just any vodka, though. Evil, mutation-causing vodka... yeah, let that soak in a minute.

Stern's character drinks it and soon enough is sprouting "organisms of unknown origin." You have to admit, liquor is one genius way to deliver the cooties. He drops promptly dead, though when Ernie Hudson comes in to talk to him, the sheet-covered lumpiness that was once the narrator of The Wonder Years starts moving around. Elibacher comes down with the rash next, but kills herself when she sees big, throbbing, put-spurting wounds on him. This is actually the sensible move, since he quickly turns into a giant, mutating bunch of muck that absorbs her into a gooey mess. Everyone else throws these "Bobbsey Twins of Yech "out into the ocean, but it leaves a chunk behind.

That big ol' ham-hock of critter starts regenerating itself, growing like a starfish.. What isn't lifted from Alien here comes straight from The Thing, but I love good, juicy body horror enough that I don't mind. While we watch lovely Amanda Pays look all nubile and vulnerable, poor Michael Carmine gets eaten by what is now a slimy, black lamprey-thing. (Good for him for not going first by virtue of being lowest-billed!)

Things now move on to a nice "armament montage" with Weller and Hudson, now the poor man's Kurt Russell and Keith David, try out a variety of handy tools for their weapon potential like they were members of The A-Team. Richard Crenna's jackass of a doctor considerately gets rid of their escape pods in a bitchy attempt to save the world from what they've found and from here on out it's our wholesome heroes versus slimy monsters. Hector Elizondo's "Hairy Palm 2.0" ensures he's outta the way and we wind up in a "three against one" human-calamari hybrid.

I'd personally rather face that than Meg Foster's breathily butch middle manager of evil.

An aside about Meg Foster: She attended the 2010 Horrorhound convention in Cincinnati. While I didn't get to speak with her, she was seen mingling with fans and generously giving everyone her time all weekend... and, even behind glasses, her eyes are as amazing in person as on the screen. She also sports some truly amazing arms.

The third act is all stuff you've seen before but still enjoyable. Lots of running around a set rife with steam and sparks, avoiding the slimy "Pumpkinhead-Catfish" made up of a few other characters. There's complete disregard for physics and biology with the underwater version of Alien's climax, but it all wraps up mercifully quick.

I would bet their arrival topside (and we'll just assume their diving suits can handle extremely rapid changes in pressure, mmmkay?) was even filmed in the same tank the climax of DeepStar Six was. I mean, it's pretty much the same ending with a monster that looks just as cheap in daylight as it was impressive on sets. Sadly, they knock off one last character more as plot contrivance than anything else, and the ending punch is stolen straight from the Die Hard films.

Verdict: Entertaining enough, icky, but finally forgettable. Being big budget doesn't make it special and, of the two, I think I'd return to the honest trash of DeepStar Six before the horror-movie-in-a-blender bigger bucks Leviathan.

One A Week Reviews #9: Devil

I got stuck in an elevator once. About 13 of us, only two of whom would probably qualify as "slender," all crammed in like sausages and totally exceeded the weight restriction for the machine. I used a cell phone to call the front desk and we were out in probably less than ten minutes, which is good as the agoraphobic started sweating it one minute in and by nine we were plotting who to eat.

Devil opens with a recovering alcoholic who's lost his family has a crisis of faith while investigating a suicide which leads him to a skyscraper (333 Locust Street, no less) where the story takes place. He's a stock character but that's okay as short-handed caricatures are kind of the point in Devil. The movie is a supernatural version of a "locked room mystery," tight, short, and sharp at eighty minutes.

We then turn to an establishing scene in the foyer that establishes time and place like tribute to Brian De Palma, where an obnoxious salesman (Vince), a pretty young lady (Sarah), an older woman (the only recognizable face, long time TV actress Jenny O'Hara), a security guard (Lawson), and a mechanic (Tony) are entering an elevator. (Those names hardly matter either.) The action takes us into the elevator where things quickly get tense and the outer building, where the maintenance and security crews deal with the rapidly declining, jump-scare-filled day. Before long, one of the trapped has a shard of jagged mirror in his neck and a security guard is saying it's "The Devil's Meeting." The body count stacks up, and tempers flare, but what's real and what's a trick of the Devil's? After all, one of them is the devil punishing everyone for their sins.

Devil is a speedy, spooky B-movie morality play "Whodunnit" with an And Then There Were None flair and PG-13 restraint. Recommended for an entertaining night at home.

PS: When asked to guess based on the trailer who the Devil was, I guessed correctly. It's the sensible choice.

One A Week Reviews #50: Fireball (2009)

Not great, not horrible - reviewed for Exploitation Retrospect. You really should check that fabulous site out!

FIREBALL

Ever watch a movie and get annoyed by some character trait that seems to be nothing more than some piece of business shoe-horned in by an actor in a fit of "inspiration?" You've seen it before. A limp, an accent, some truly bad hair, a facial tic. Something where the actor can say "I'm acting" while the crew stands aside, awkward and embarrassed because it's not worth anyone's job to stop them.

In Fireball, Ian Somerhalder's character has a repetitive shtick involving flicking a purposely-unfilled Zippo lighter to not light a cigarette, since his character is trying to quit smoking. While I'm sure he's a lovely and talented man; this, along with a performance that seems to be made of solely of poses and winces, makes for so rough going. It's hard to empathize with a movie when all you want to do is douse the pretty lead actor in gasoline and break out a proper Bic.

Fireball stars Somerhalder as a standard-B-movie-issue FBI agent ("Agent Cooper," no less) along with Lexa Doig (looking the same as she did in Jason X a decade ago, ageless and lovely) as a "book-smart" Fire Investigator in a little town that seems to have it's fair share of arson. You'll thrill to their perfectly pedestrian and chemistry-free character arc as they investigate crimes, have a cute date, and leap out of the way of a few fireballs!

Also starring is Alexis Paunovic as disgraced Football star Tyler Draven (no, I'm sure the screenwriter wasn't aping "Tyler Durden" of Fight Club here. Of course not...), who through a mix of "steroids keyed to his particular DNA sequence" and a chance encounter with a burning building winds up becoming a human match. He's capable of starting fires he uses to fulfill an agenda of petty vendettas, offing those he thinks have done him wrong. Clearly a man with some roid-rage issues, he's already a rampaging mess in a bad wig prior to becoming a state-of-the-low-budget-CGI-art Supervillain. At this point, while he should be heading off to do in the people he sees as ruining his career he instead decides to hunt witnesses, Judges, and a sleazy reporter who really does deserve it. Blowing up cars and propane tanks, he escalates to leaving smoldering footsteps in his wake and slagging bullets. Paunovic grimaces and growls out a series of profoundly stupid, quasi-religious one liners while mediocre special effects create hurling fireballs as he escalates from microwaving a hotel room to deciding to nuke a nuclear power plant.

The movie loses some points for a truly stupid "I know how to stop him" plan that involves getting Durden to stand completely still while they dump sand on him, and another plan which relies on sucking the oxygen out of a totally non-airtight room with a giant pit in the middle (one with a wobbling ring of "concrete" around it). The scene where they slice a fireball in half with an axe is more likable than you'd wish it to be. As a "show-stopper" effect, it charms a smidge more than it should. Shot on video and obviously low-budget, there's still some good photography here. The actors aren't bad. Things are just... not inspired. This is a "SyFy Premier" movie, and I'm always willing to give them a pass for their hokey and good-natured fun. I love these "Saturday Night Specials" and Fireball is no different... even if it lacks a giant sea beast, sand serpent, or half-man half-mantis creature.

Now, usually, it's not good to give away quite as many details about a film as we do here. I feel like I'm entitled to, however, because this is one of those flicks where the trailer gives away the entire movie. Seriously, it's a linear collection of every low highlight in the flick. If the filmmakers don't want to save anything to be enjoyed by the audience, I don't see any reason to. Don't get me wrong, Fireball is enjoyable, and a good "stay in with a few brews" flick, but if you're going to catch it, skip the previews.