One A Week Reviews #21: Mongolian Death Worm

This week I curled up on dvdsnapshot's behalf with a little DVD called Mongolian Death Worm. While I eschew the obvious  "dick jokes," I make no promises that this is a good movie...

Official Synopsis:

When an American oil company sets up an experimental drilling plant out the vast deserts of Mongolia, they awaken a nest of deadly creatures that have been dormant for centuries - the Mongolian Death Worms. Their only hope is treasure hunter Daniel Upton (Sean Patrick Flanery), who has spent his life searching for the legendary tomb of Genghis Khan, which is fabled to be protected by the Worms. Daniel must do whatever he can to kill these creatures, but stopping these monsters may mean destroying his life's work... forever!
 

Our Take:

I'm personally willing to cut any movie involving giant, squishy monsters that originally ran of Syfy a lot of slack on the grounds that you know what you're in for. All they need do is entertain. This creature feature co-opts the mythical Mongolian Death Worm for it‘s nefarious B-movie purposes. Reminiscent of the sand worms in Dune, the Death Worm is a cohort of the Chupacabra, Bigfoot, and Loch Ness Monster.

To paraphrase a personal hero, the estimable Joe Bob Briggs, "there's a lotta plot getting in the way of this story." We've got an oil company cutting corners and triggering worm attacks. There's a hot blonde (Victoria Pratt) with a dorky sidekick who's part of a Doctors Without Borders knock-off heading in to treat a Cholera outbreak (one that's connected to the worms). Also, Sean Patrick Flanery headlines as a treasure hunter, who's more slacker that Lara Croft or Indiana Jones would ever allow, out looking for gold in the Mongolian plains. It sure looks like it could be anywhere, and the tidy, slapdash village sets sure don't add any local color. And how many law enforcement officials dress drive big SUVs with "Police" marked all over the side in Mongolia? I doubt there was even authentic Mongolian Beef for lunch.

Anyhow, none of that's important. If anything, points for an imaginative script. The oil company is aggravating the worms protecting the treasure Flanery's hunting. The bad acting by all the Americans pretending to be in Mongolia aggravates them. The contrived, though somewhat original, story threads aggravate, too. Can you blame these Death Worms for wanting to eat everyone? No. They’re not given any choice in this matter.

Our special friends make short work of some oil company employees and drug runners, but can't seem to quite catch up with our fearless (yet oddly screechy) heroes as they try and find a way to stop 'em. This is a SyFy-to-DVD creature feature: Formulaic, visually uninspired, and filled with more empty calories than the buttery popcorn best enjoyed on your couch while you watch this some rainy night. If you like this genre, Mongolian Death Worm gains some points for trying, but is mostly uninspired. If your tastes are more discerning, steer clear.
 
Special Features:
 Mongolian Death Worm is presented widescreen with English 5.1 and 2.0 Dolby Digital audio options. There are English and Spanish subtitles. The only extras are some trailers.

Conclusion:
 
Does it really matter in the end what I have to say about this movie? If you're a fan of cheesy creature features you can't resist the siren song of a title like Mongolian Death Worm, so don't even try and pretend otherwise.
 
Overall Picture:
Movie: C- 
Extras: C

One A Week Reviews #50: Fireball (2009)

Not great, not horrible - reviewed for Exploitation Retrospect. You really should check that fabulous site out!

FIREBALL

Ever watch a movie and get annoyed by some character trait that seems to be nothing more than some piece of business shoe-horned in by an actor in a fit of "inspiration?" You've seen it before. A limp, an accent, some truly bad hair, a facial tic. Something where the actor can say "I'm acting" while the crew stands aside, awkward and embarrassed because it's not worth anyone's job to stop them.

In Fireball, Ian Somerhalder's character has a repetitive shtick involving flicking a purposely-unfilled Zippo lighter to not light a cigarette, since his character is trying to quit smoking. While I'm sure he's a lovely and talented man; this, along with a performance that seems to be made of solely of poses and winces, makes for so rough going. It's hard to empathize with a movie when all you want to do is douse the pretty lead actor in gasoline and break out a proper Bic.

Fireball stars Somerhalder as a standard-B-movie-issue FBI agent ("Agent Cooper," no less) along with Lexa Doig (looking the same as she did in Jason X a decade ago, ageless and lovely) as a "book-smart" Fire Investigator in a little town that seems to have it's fair share of arson. You'll thrill to their perfectly pedestrian and chemistry-free character arc as they investigate crimes, have a cute date, and leap out of the way of a few fireballs!

Also starring is Alexis Paunovic as disgraced Football star Tyler Draven (no, I'm sure the screenwriter wasn't aping "Tyler Durden" of Fight Club here. Of course not...), who through a mix of "steroids keyed to his particular DNA sequence" and a chance encounter with a burning building winds up becoming a human match. He's capable of starting fires he uses to fulfill an agenda of petty vendettas, offing those he thinks have done him wrong. Clearly a man with some roid-rage issues, he's already a rampaging mess in a bad wig prior to becoming a state-of-the-low-budget-CGI-art Supervillain. At this point, while he should be heading off to do in the people he sees as ruining his career he instead decides to hunt witnesses, Judges, and a sleazy reporter who really does deserve it. Blowing up cars and propane tanks, he escalates to leaving smoldering footsteps in his wake and slagging bullets. Paunovic grimaces and growls out a series of profoundly stupid, quasi-religious one liners while mediocre special effects create hurling fireballs as he escalates from microwaving a hotel room to deciding to nuke a nuclear power plant.

The movie loses some points for a truly stupid "I know how to stop him" plan that involves getting Durden to stand completely still while they dump sand on him, and another plan which relies on sucking the oxygen out of a totally non-airtight room with a giant pit in the middle (one with a wobbling ring of "concrete" around it). The scene where they slice a fireball in half with an axe is more likable than you'd wish it to be. As a "show-stopper" effect, it charms a smidge more than it should. Shot on video and obviously low-budget, there's still some good photography here. The actors aren't bad. Things are just... not inspired. This is a "SyFy Premier" movie, and I'm always willing to give them a pass for their hokey and good-natured fun. I love these "Saturday Night Specials" and Fireball is no different... even if it lacks a giant sea beast, sand serpent, or half-man half-mantis creature.

Now, usually, it's not good to give away quite as many details about a film as we do here. I feel like I'm entitled to, however, because this is one of those flicks where the trailer gives away the entire movie. Seriously, it's a linear collection of every low highlight in the flick. If the filmmakers don't want to save anything to be enjoyed by the audience, I don't see any reason to. Don't get me wrong, Fireball is enjoyable, and a good "stay in with a few brews" flick, but if you're going to catch it, skip the previews.