The Yucky Movies of October: Patrick Still Lives

31) Patrick Still Lives

I'd heard of Patrick vive ancora (in the original Italian) before, but I wasn't really motivated to watch it until I saw the bit done about it in the terrific documentary Not Quite Hollywood.

A rip-off sequel, in the grand Italian cinema tradition, to the not-really-that-successful "psychic coma patient with Marty Feldman eyes" Australian film Patrick, this is a not-really-that-good sequel done in perfect "just redo the same damn story and add some breasts" manner.

In this version, Patrick winds up comatose after a passing driver throws a bottle out the window and it hits him in the head. His surgeon father is involved in the surgery that saves his life, but he's still "locked in."

We then go to a clinic set in the same mansion used in the film Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror, and meet two couples and a single guest, along with a skeleton staff and some grouchy guard dogs. These guests seem to have been blackmailed into attendance and are quickly given (ahem) "spa treatments" that turn out to be very deadly. This sparse clinic seems to be rather stylish - a minimal budget means it's sparsely furnished, but heavy on the green and purple lighting to make up for that. They also decorate with lead actresses constantly exposing their breasts. (Well, it's better than the wallpaper.) One plays an entire scene in a nipples-exposing bra while teasing her blackmailed husband that she'll screw them out of the situation. Such a classy flick.

The new assistant is seeing green visions of floating pale-blue eyes (seems the "Patrick" in this one was cast for having big, light eyes like the actor in the original.) The doctor is pushing his medical services hardcore, and in general, something is up that makes everyone nervous.

Well, next thing you know the secretary has been compelled to visit Patrick in the night and the politician is boiled in the swimming pool (there was a similar pool scene in the original Patrick). What's brilliant is that his boiling is attributed to his body having an unusual reaction to his alcoholism.

This is the type of movie where the spooky effects are typewriter keys that move on their own, as do skirts. (Amazingly this is not Zapped Again!) The actors rage, disrobe, and smack one another in perfect Italian passion. They try hard to make this flick seem less boring than it actually is, but don't succeed that well. People die off, but frankly not nearly quickly enough to spice up this bland potboiler. There's no spice in the pasta sauce. About the only thrill to be had is if you've seen Burial Ground, and care to compare the scenes in each film that happen in various rooms of the house.

There's a few "yuck" moments to be had in this one. The parboiling make up isn't bad. A beheading by car window goes the extra mile as it essentially "saws" the head off. There's a "violation" scene that's fairly grotesque and a precursor of the one more disturbingly executed in Mother of Tears. The actress here is the one who famously gets her nipple bitten off by young zombie son in Burial Ground, himself played by a creepy adult dwarf. This film has very little going for it beyond a few gross outs and a quartet of very naked Italian actresses. Proceed with caution as this one is probably only for Italian horror junkies, schlock connoisseurs, and people really hard up to see some naked breasts.

And with that I wrap up the 31 Yucky Movies of October. I did it all on a whim really and if I repeat myself next year I think I'll be a little more discerning in the titles I pick. Planning ahead will help us avoid those awkward 13 Frightened Girls and She-Wolf of London moments.
Thanks for playing along, boys and girls. I appreciate you joining me. Now, we're going to watch some palate cleansers. I'm thinking Indie Gay romances, Bollywood Musicals, and harmless comedies of old Hollywood.

The Yucky Movies of October: House of the Dead (with The Cadaver Lab)

16) House of the Dead

Oooh, girl, there is bad and then there is BAD. House of the Dead has the distinction of being just as bad as you've heard. Adapted from a video game and scored with outtakes from a Prodigy album, this is a (ahem) style over substance zombie movie that is just... not good.

A bunch of random teens get a grizzled sea captain to take them to a daytime rave on a deserted, wooded island where they find out a zombie attack is in mid outbreak. With cut-ins from the game, "blood dripping" transitions, and awful acting... well, it's almost a hoot. Actually, it probably is a good "drinkin' with buddies" kinda movie... but I'm too old to drink that much.

The gore splashes freely, and there's boobs a-poppin', which is good for any party-horror movie. When two characters make penis-size entendres over rifles and other weapons hidden in a crate of smuggled cubans, you'll be amazed to realize it's the apex of the dialogue in this flick. The stylistic height of the flick is a big zombie shoot 'em up with lots of bits from the game cut in, several exploding heads, and a total abuse of the "bullet time" shot made so popular in The Matrix. However, it's accomplished by just swinging the camera around an actor as they stand there then slowing it down a bit. Also of note is when there's a weird super-fast montage recap of just about everything that's gone before that one character has in the middle of the shoot 'em up. I think it could induce seizures.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurl... and be amazed that evidently even co-eds in star-spangled body suits are tip-top Ninjas as long as they're Asian. They all seem to be in some Greek system that teaches swordfighting and weapons training along with bad partying. The much maligned Uwe Boll throws everything at the wall in this one and nothing sticks... a lot of it slides down in a gooey, chunky mess though, and that's fun too.

Jurgen Prochnow and Clint Howard are here so their mortgages must've been due. Ellie Cornell shows none of the promise she had in the eighties, though she does have a lovely death scene, dripping blood as pink as that in a 70s Hammer horror. The rest of the actors are mostly known for their chests and makeup jobs... and the zombie makeup is definitely lifted from Fulci.

About all I can recommend is the way I watched House of the Dead - listening to The Cadaver Lab's Cadavertrax for it. The guys are fun, they stay in sync, and it definitely felt like sitting in the living room with my friends. Highly recomended. (The boing-boing-boing at the end made my night, guys.) If you haven't checked out their podcast or visited their site, please do.

So, yeah, bad flick, but actually rather enjoyable - overdone in the way a film like Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror is. Young people and Zombies. Lots of exploding heads. Candy-colored art direction (very reminiscent to me of The Dead Hate The Living in places (now THAT'S a fun flick!)) and pink, runny blood everywhere. Totally nonsensical 90% of the time. No redeeming values, and a 2 outta 10 rating on imdb.com, so what's NOT to love?

(okay, the icky, slobbery zombie facelick isn't that loveable... but what can you do?)