A Toy I Actually Received As A Child...

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"The nightmare marionette you imagine at age 7 once the light is turned out..."

Dead Birds (2004): Jay's Movie of the Week #16

Provokes a visceral reaction in me...

When I first saw the box for Dead Birds at the video store, probably in 2005, I decided it wasn't for me. There was something about the image of the movies' monster, a child with big, hollowed-out eyes, an impossibly long jaw with gaping dark maw and needle-jagged teeth that made me think "nope, that's a bit beyond." Black eyes, chalky skin, exaggerated features all provoke a response in me different from big, giant slimy monsters. It looks sickly, wrong. The reaction is more visceral. Flashes of faces deforming always get a reaction from me, though I'm getting better at ratcheting it down to a slight wince from the full-bodied shudder I'm more inclined towards. I recently came across a copy I could borrow and, having replaced every cell in my body since 2005, thought I'd finally give it a try.

I won't spoil much of it. A Reconstruction-Era story told with a leisurely pace about a ragged group of bank robbers getting their just deserts in a derelict farmhouse that must be property of the Lovecraft family. There is no honor among thieves, and their greed would drive them to hunt one another but for the insidious influence (and sad legacy) of the house beating them to the punch. Our protagonists are all drawn in shades of gray, while our monsters are clear cut in both black and white. They're a motley crew, vivid and memorable, and strikingly evoke both more sympathy and revulsion than our leads.

Machete Proselytizer

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"The Jason Voorhees at a drive-in horror marathon I attended in October- the shirt and mask are sending mixed messages..."

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness: Jay's Movie of the Week #15

In retrospect, this is the best special effect in the whole flick...

I'd like to say there was even something to joke about in regards to Dracula 3000. But there's not even enough to the movie for it to be a joke. It's a mish-mash of plot bits from Alien and Dracula in a lazy, half-assed, sub SyFy "warehouse as spaceship" scifi crapfest. There is nothing original, inspiring, or accomplished about it. The acting is awful, the plot is nonsense, the cheapness shows. Udo Kier is wasted. It's racist, sexist, stupid, and boring. It's beyond a waste of time. You've wasted too much time reading this. I've wasted more words than this "movie" is worth writing about it.

The only excitement in this piece of shit is watching Tiny Lister's lazy eye drift. Don't watch this. Don't rent it. Don't steal it. Don't buy it. Don't borrow it. Don't stream it.

Don't.

Just... don't.

Jay's Movie of the Week #14

This week, I simply defer to the master of the form.

He will be missed.